The scotch whisky industry has been spiraling out of control in recent years. Mediocre bottles sell for silly money on the secondary market and a significant percentage of distillery releases are no age statement spirits of dubious origin, packaged in ornate wooden boxes that sometimes have the word ‘viking’ inexplicably carved into them.
What we, the common drinkers have long been calling out for is a return to the good old days of affordable, high quality whisky that can be purchased down the local supermarket where we buy things like ‘Baked Beans‘ and ‘Toilet Duck‘.
As it happens, 2019 might just be the year where everything changes…
In February, high-calibre news agencies like The Sun and LADbible broke the news that a new dram was about to take the world by storm. On the horizon it seemed, was a whisky so sublime it would send shockwaves throughout the distilling industry… A nip of such exquisite perfection that master blenders everywhere would hang up their noses, safe in the knowledge that they could never achieve such heights in their own, utterly pointless careers.
Unbelievably, this masterpiece of a spirit had been on the market for some time, completely flying under the radar of ‘so-called’ whisky experts. In fact, if it weren’t for the extremely talented panel at the World Whisky Awards who blindly blind tasted thousands of samples blindly, this gem of a whisky may never have received the credit it so deserves.
Fortunately however, the signal fires were lit and soon the news was spreading faster than a dose of the clap. Exclusive to the purveyor of fine wines and spirits that is Lidl Supermarkets, the Queen Margot 8 year old blended scotch shot to the top of shopping lists everywhere, causing retail riots that made Black Friday look like a Sunday morning stroll.
Of course such a dram is unmissable, so I quickly made my way to the local Lidl to see what all the fuss was about (naturally, I had to use Google maps – I don’t usually shop in such places). As I entered the store however, I was completely horrified by the boiling mass of people punching, kicking and scratching at each other in order to get to the front of the line. Fearing that I would miss out, I threw myself into the fray with wild abandon, smashing my elbow into the teeth of an old lady to my right, then biting the ear off a pregnant woman to the left.
Finally, through sheer ruthless determination and no small loss of blood, I made my way to the front, only to discover that it wasn’t actually the queue for Queen Margot at all, rather it was a shelf full of fake Jaffa Cakes on special offer. Sheepishly I withdrew from the chaos, apologising as I passed the teenage girl who was attempting to clean up bloodstains and severed limbs with a mop and bucket.
Leaving the mayhem behind, I made my way to the deserted spirits aisle, collected my bottle and headed for the checkout where I had to stand in line behind 13 other shoppers that I could have sworn weren’t there a second ago. Lidl checkout staff it turns out are more elusive than the Amur Leopard but finally, after a treacherous hunt throughout the darker recesses of the fruit and veg aisle, one was eventually netted and hauled over to open another till. Finally, after what seemed like several ice ages, I made it home with my bottle of liquid gold. Locking the door behind me, I drew the curtains and prepared myself for a life changing experience…
Smell: Bloody Brilliant!!
Value for Money: Seriously??!! It’s £15 you tight git!!!!
Well there you have it folks. It’s official. Queen Margot 8 year old blended scotch is absolutely, 100%, the best whisky in the world. Ever.
Intriguingly, the blend is produced by ‘Wallace & Young Distillers’ of Glasgow, a company which quite frankly, no bugger has ever heard of. Despite their G2 post code placing them suspiciously close to Whyte & MacKay’s head office however, rumours that the blend is created by sooking up all the whisky Richard Patterson keeps chucking on the carpet are as yet unconfirmed.
In any case, there is an even deeper mystery involving this wonderful whisky and it is one that connoisseurs of Scotland’s national spirit will be asking themselves for decades, nay centuries to come, and it is this… Who the fuck is Queen Margot anyway?
*** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** UPDATE ***
In case it wasn’t blisteringly obvious, this article was something of a spoof in the spirit of April Fools Day. In truth, I found the Queen Margot to be an enjoyable wee dram. It may be a long way short of the best whisky in the world, but it is nevertheless a very tasty blend which comes at a very reasonable price.
Smell: Fresh Fruit – Apples, Pears, Pineapple, Orange & Lemon – and Bourbon. Vanilla, Buttery Pastry, Chocolate, Caramel and Coconut.
Taste: Light Bodied but fully flavoured with Salted Caramel, Orange, Vanilla, Toffee, Chocolate and the gentlest of Spices. Apple Pie, dusted with Cinnamon and served with Vanilla Ice Cream!
Value for Money: Thanks to the minimum unit pricing now in place in Scotland, the Queen Margot cost me a little more than the sum oft-quoted in the vast column inches it inspired. Nevertheless, I could just about manage the £15 my local store was asking for it.
The best whisky in the world? No. The best blended scotch under 12 years old? It’s certainly a contender. The best scotch for £15 or less? Entirely possible. I still have no idea who Queen Margot is though.
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